| I'm excited. Why? I'm going to work out tomorrow. I set my alarm for about 1 PM so that as soon as I wake up, I'm going to eat a tuna fish sandwich and hit the gym before I'm due in for work by 5:00 PM. I realized a long time ago, that when you look good, you feel good. I'm not just talking about looks physically, but what you do with your appearance and how you conduct yourself. Last night was the first night that I didn't drink in a few weeks... Ever since the first semester of college when my friend (who later on became and still is my current roommate) Ernie needed a place to crash at for about 2 weeks, I've been drinking in excess and almost everyday. I'm not exaggerating- I suppose since 2009 began, there's probably been only perhaps a month and a half of sober nights. We decided to drink and see how long we could keep that run going. So we lasted about 2 weeks before we couldn't take it anymore. And almost 3 years later, it's reverse. As of right now, we can't even go 2 weeks without drinking. Hell, we can't even go a day or two without any alcohol in our system. He gets home and cracks open a beer, and has a few more before he turns in for the night. Myself, I drink always to the point of blacking out or passing out. Once I start, I can't stop. Hard liquor- vodka, sake, or soju almost everyday... I think around March, I went about 3 weeks without drinking because I didn't want to be an alcoholic anymore. I really, really tried. But I couldn't do it... One night I had a drink, and that one drink turned into about 5 bottles of sake... and those 5 bottles of sake eventually became my regular routine again. I can't stop. I don't literally get the shakes on my hands, but I FEEL them... And that sweet, bitter first shot of a round of them really just... sends a wave of relief over my chest, my heart, my arms, my legs, my hands, my face... and I'm calm... I feel normal again... 2 days ago, I drank to the point where... I blacked out. Completely. I drank at work because it was just myself. Someone got fired that day, and the busboy left early... so it was just me supervising the entire restaurant. I treated myself out to a drink (I was supposed to work out that night and I abstained from accepting drinks from customers for that sole purpose) because shit, I was having a horrible shift and deserved it. One turned into many, and after 3 bottles of hot sake, we closed. One of my coworkers who had dropped by to eat with her friend as well as a sushi man all agreed on hitting up the karaoke, NRB, at Greenland. I thought- fuck it, I already drank so I can't go work out. Might as well go. At the last minute, the girls flaked, Brandon hyung didn't want to go anymore, but I went anyways. Like an idiot. Because I'm not a social drinker and I felt like singing anyways. I got there, drank some more and sang my heart out. All I remember was ordering the 2nd bottle and nothing more. I woke up, and I kept returning to the toilet to regurgitate. I never, never vomit, because I hold my liquor and I have pretty high tolerance anyways. But that's how wasted I got. I kept throwing water and iced tea out because that's what I kept drinking when I continually woke up here and there. Finally, because I kept feeling sick when I had something in my stomach, I stopped drinking fluids and the sickness wore off with sleep. I don't remember how I got home. I don't remember getting in my car, or paying for the tab. I looked at my wallet which the night before had 95 bucks in cash, and instead only contained 12 bucks. Shit. And it's scary. I don't remember a single thing. There are other times I've blacked out, and I remember driving home... for the most part. Other times drama's come up as my mannerisms change, or people interpret my body language in a different light. Once, I actually got jumped because 4 guys started shit with me, and though I was alone, I didn't care since I was so drunk. Or maybe I would've still have gotten down either way, I'm not entirely sure given my pride and temper. But nonetheless, I had to call the worker at the NRB the next night and inquire as to whether or not I had done anything stupid that night. Which thank god, I hadn't. So it's been about 2 nights without a drink... and it's... bad... I've gotten lazy and haven't worked out in a while... but I should start up again before I really lose everything. Some of the definition from my shoulders is wearing away... the reason why drinking is so detrimental to a person who works out is because not only does the alcohol itself contain fat, but it also melts away your muscle and turns it into fat as well. A double whammy, and a very high price to pay. So... since I can't drink and feel normal, I have to do (wow I just realized how long this post is, and if you know me, I digress a lot from my point when I'm talking) other things to sort of, I guess, boost up my mood (?) and get those endorphins running. So- I woke up today and got a haircut. Pretty clean cut, the usual, but still very clean nonetheless. I did the dishes and got all the trash together. Gonna toss it out before I head out to work. I cleaned my room, vacuumed, dusted, and just organized stuff. I think I'm going to clean my car out and give it a wash and wax as well after I get off work. Nothing like the feeling of clean interior and exterior when you step into your car. And I'm going to start working out again. EVERYDAY. I've been really lazy. I used to go to the gym 6 days a week but once I fell back into my old "habit", give me the last 3 months and I've only worked out perhaps 2 weeks worth. I'm tired of living this way. I want to live... sober. I don't want my self-esteem to dwindle away as I notice the slow but sure visible effects of drinking to my body, a body that once I was quite proud of. I don't want to wake up to crumpled up Del-Taco paper bags or cups or my clothes all over the floor the next morning... And i'm excited. Because I really think that I'm filled with determination this time. It's scary when really, you don't remember anything from the night before. If this goes on, I'll for sure get a DUI or perhaps something worse, god forbid. So- GAMEPLAN. Go to sleep in a bit. Wake up early (hey, 12, 1 PM is hella early for an insomniac college student on summer break!), eat my tuna sandwich, drive to the gym, work out, drink protein after the cardio, go to work, then wash my car. And repeat. For the rest of the weekend. That's all I want. I don't want to drink for the entire duration of the weekend. That's all I want and that's my only goal for right now. Hopefully I'll be able to be proud of myself on Sunday night for keeping up my routine and then take it another step from there. One hair cut, 
one "spring cleaning", one car wash, one work-out, ... one day at a time. |
